{"id":1529,"date":"2010-10-07T10:28:35","date_gmt":"2010-10-07T14:28:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifewithhappiness.com\/?p=1529"},"modified":"2018-10-02T13:36:51","modified_gmt":"2018-10-02T17:36:51","slug":"happiness-isnt-always-the-goal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2010\/10\/happiness-isnt-always-the-goal\/","title":{"rendered":"Happiness Isn't Always The Goal"},"content":{"rendered":"

I recently read an article written by a mom who was dealing with the myriad emotions that sprang up as she moved through the process of taking her only child to college in a distant state.\u00a0 She spoke of anxiety, sadness, and even panic, and her point was this:
\n\u201cFeelings are important, but they are not always reliable operating instructions.\u201d<\/strong> In her case, the emotional <\/em>response would have been to grab her daughter and head back home.\u00a0 But the rational <\/em>thing was to leave her daughter behind and let life unfold at college.
\n\u201cSometimes,\u201d she went on, \u201cwe must make friends with stress and loneliness and grief \u2013 or at least pretend to like them for awhile.\u201d <\/strong>This was the lesson she\u2019d learned at a parent orientation session at the college: Happiness isn\u2019t always the goal.
\nHappiness isn\u2019t always the goal?!\u00a0 What?!\u00a0 Yes, it\u2019s true!<\/strong> While happiness is a lovely place to visit, and usually makes the Top 10 Most Desirable Emotions list, the reality is that happiness does not always serve us.<\/p>\n

All Emotions Serve Us, In Different Ways<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

In appropriate doses, every emotion has a purpose. <\/strong>For example, Anger <\/em>and Fear <\/em>protect us from harm or the threat of same; Love <\/em>and Affection <\/em>help us to build connections with others; Sadness <\/em>and Grief <\/em>affirm our humanity by keeping us in touch with what\u2019s important; Envy <\/em>and Ambition <\/em>keep us striving to be better; Determination <\/em>and Perseverance <\/em>help us maintain progress; Forgiveness <\/em>releases us from burdens, Pessimism <\/em>prevents us from overlooking problems, and Hope <\/em>and Optimism <\/em>make sure we can dream of a better future.
\nAnother truth is that many of the \u201cnegative\u201d emotions are what make the \u201cpositive\u201d ones possible<\/strong>.\u00a0 Happiness is only possible if Sadness also exists**<\/span><\/strong>.\u00a0 Anxiety makes Calm more desirable.\u00a0 And let\u2019s face it, would you appreciate Joy nearly as much if you did not have to sometimes deal with Frustration and Despair?
\nThe above statements are only true, of course, when you have a healthy relationship with all emotions. <\/strong>If you don\u2019t know how to deal with strong emotions like anger or grief, you may find yourself \u201cstuffing\u201d those down when they rise up, which means you never fully experience them\u2026 and so they remain stuck in your system, festering.\u00a0 People who have difficulty processing strong emotions often end up manifesting those in dysfunctional ways, e.g. unhealthy relationships, addictions, anger management issues, etc.
\nOne of my goals is to help you develop healthy relationships with all your emotions <\/strong>so that you have the capacity to feel anger, fear, or other uncomfortable emotions in an appropriate way \u2013 then let them go, to create the space for emotions like calm, joy, satisfaction, and happiness to emerge.<\/p>\n

Let It Happen \u2013 You\u2019ll Survive!<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

I know a nutritional coach who claims that the biggest obstacle most people face when trying to change their relationship with food is that they don\u2019t know how to deal with Hunger.\u00a0 Many people carry the \u201cstory\u201d that if they feel hunger, it will harm them.\u00a0 That\u2019s nonsense, of course.
\nHunger is a physical sensation that comes and goes. <\/strong>The emotional \u201cbaggage\u201d associated with hunger is a little tougher to deal with.\u00a0 When a client is ready, she gives them this assignment:\u00a0 \u201cTomorrow, after you eat breakfast as usual, you may eat nothing else until 5PM.\u00a0 You will feel hungry.\u00a0 I want you to notice that the sensation will come and go.\u00a0 If you need help, call me before you eat anything.\u201d
\nAt the first sign of hunger, panic can set in.<\/strong> But those who follow the instructions soon learn that if they ignore it, the feeling passes.\u00a0 They survive.\u00a0 And by the time they eat their dinner at 5PM, they have learned how to be comfortable with a little bit of hunger as a normal thing.\u00a0 That leads to a better relationship with food as fuel versus an emotional crutch.
\nIn like manner, the path to better relationships with your stronger emotions begins with allowing yourself to experience some of them in small, controlled doses so that you can learn how to recover and move on<\/strong>.
\nI once worked with a client who ultra-controlled his emotions, mostly because he feared getting angry. <\/strong>People walked all over him, and he never reacted.\u00a0 I learned that his mother had uncontrollable rages, and he was convinced that if he got even a tiny bit mad, he\u2019d go immediately to rage.\u00a0 I asked him, \u201cIf you could have a \u2018healthy anger,\u2019 what would that look like?\u201d\u00a0 He painted a picture of standing up for himself, being able to defend his ideas in front of the rest of the team, and confronting a colleague who constantly stole his ideas.
\nI helped him begin with small conversations and move to larger expressions.<\/strong> He started with one-on-one situations, where he practiced explaining what he was feeling and why he felt that way.\u00a0 He eventually got used to expressing irritation, then frustration, and finally he learned to speak up in front of the entire group to say, \u201cI am really upset that Chris is taking credit for this breakthrough, since I performed 90% of the research.\u201d\u00a0 In the end, he learned he could be angry AND controlled, and his reputation \u2013 and influence — in the office improved dramatically.<\/p>\n

Start small, work your way to bigger.<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Practice by allowing yourself to experience and express smaller pieces of the emotions you\u2019ve been avoiding. <\/strong>After my daughter died, I found it too easy to get drowned by my sadness.\u00a0 One of the ways I learned to deal with it was to limit my remembering to just a few minutes at a time, so that I would feel the sadness but not stay in it for a long time.
\n2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Watch a movie that evokes an emotional state.<\/strong> For instance, rent a movie about a sad subject, or a documentary that provokes you into anger, as a strategy for experiencing the emotion for a short time, then being able to step away.
\n3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Hold a \u201climited\u201d conversation with a friend about the subject that evokes a strong response.<\/strong> Talking \u201cabout it\u201d with someone you know and trust can help you dip into the emotional space without feeling like it will consume you.\u00a0 Arrange in advance with your friend to stop the conversation or move into another subject area after a specific time, e.g. 20 minutes.
\n4.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Practice the skill of getting back to Calm.<\/strong> Try a short daily meditation practice, or simply practice taking deep, calming breaths a few times every day.\u00a0 This will give you a powerful tool that will help you come back from \u201cthe edge\u201d when a strong emotion takes hold.
\nNo matter what route you take to a healthier relationship with your emotions, you will increase your capacity for experiencing ALL emotions. <\/strong>So even when Happiness is not the goal, it can always be an option!
\n**<\/span><\/strong>For more on Why Sadness Matters, see the April 2009 edition of my newsletter<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I recently read an article written by a mom who was dealing with the myriad emotions that sprang up as she moved through the process of taking her only child to college in a distant state.\u00a0 She spoke of anxiety, sadness, and even panic, and her point was this: \u201cFeelings are important, but they are … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5789,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[228,40],"tags":[232,29,322],"yoast_head":"\nHappiness Isn't Always The Goal - The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2010\/10\/happiness-isnt-always-the-goal\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Happiness Isn't Always The Goal - The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I recently read an article written by a mom who was dealing with the myriad emotions that sprang up as she moved through the process of taking her only child to college in a distant state.\u00a0 She spoke of anxiety, sadness, and even panic, and her point was this: \u201cFeelings are important, but they are ... 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