{"id":2408,"date":"2009-04-06T07:51:50","date_gmt":"2009-04-06T11:51:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifewithhappiness.com\/?p=780"},"modified":"2018-10-02T13:36:55","modified_gmt":"2018-10-02T17:36:55","slug":"nothing-is-good-or-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/","title":{"rendered":"Nothing is Good or Bad"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #9400d3\"><strong><em>&#8220;&#8230;there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.&#8221; <\/em><\/strong><br \/> <em>Hamlet, Act II Scene 2<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites\u2026 and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy.<\/p>\n<p>Events are just events.\u00a0 Stuff happens.\u00a0 That\u2019s it.<\/p>\n<p>THEN\u2026we create a story to explain that event.\u00a0 In our \u201cstory\u201d we interpret what happened and make up reasons why it happened, and that story evokes an emotional response from us\u2026 and suddenly an event is labeled: good, bad, ugly.\u00a0 And we feel sadness, optimism, fear, anger, appreciation, frustration, concern, etc<\/p>\n<p>Not from the event, but from our thinking about the event.<\/p>\n<p>In the past week I\u2019ve coincidentally had two separate coaching conversations in which the subject was betrayal \u2013 one work-related, the other personal.\u00a0 Both parties showed up in the coaching conversation with a bubbling stew of negative emotions &#8212; Which they\u2019d cooked up themselves, by the way.\u00a0 And in both cases I coached them to step away from their story and examine a few others.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Example: <\/strong><\/em>Another person (X) failed to keep a promise (this is a fact).<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Possible interpretations:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>(original story) X has harmed me.\u00a0 X did it on purpose to hurt me.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry.\u00a0 X is always trying to make me look bad.\u00a0 What have I ever done to deserve such treatment?\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna watch for my opportunity to get back at X\u2026.\u00a0 (down the path to rage and vengeance)<\/li>\n<li>X let me down.\u00a0 I feel betrayed.\u00a0 I have this big presentation coming up, and now I\u2019m not ready, because of X.\u00a0 This is going to be a disaster (down the path of embarrassment)<\/li>\n<li>X has harmed me.\u00a0 That\u2019s not like X; this is unusual.\u00a0 I hope everything is OK with X.\u00a0 Maybe I should give X a call (down the path of concern\/empathy)<\/li>\n<li>X is so unreliable.\u00a0 Why did I ever believe X would do as promised?\u00a0 I am such an idiot for ever believing X.\u00a0 Why am I so stupid?\u00a0 I\u2019m so bad at reading people.\u00a0 (down the path of self-loathing)<\/li>\n<li>This is the third time this has happened with X.\u00a0 I need to sit down with X and understand why this is happening.\u00a0 I must renegotiate the promise (down the path to determination)<\/li>\n<li>The track record of X shows that promises made by X are not meaningful.\u00a0 I did not really expect X to deliver.\u00a0 So this is no big deal.\u00a0 I\u2019ll just have to complete it myself in time for the presentation.\u00a0 (down the path to acceptance)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Each of these is a valid interpretation.\u00a0 Notice how each one, however, creates a very different emotion and response.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not ever saying that one story is \u2018more true\u2019 than another\u2026I just invite my client to explore <strong><em>other possible stories<\/em><\/strong>, and consider if there are valid explanations other than the one that they are hanging on to that is harming them and keeping their emotional stew on a slow boil.<\/p>\n<p>In this particular situation, my client \u2013 after creating the above options \u2013 chose to pursue the path of determination, and instead of simmering in her office she sat down with X to express disappointment and then immediately renegotiate (\u201cwhat\u2019s it going to take to have this done by tomorrow at end of day?\u201d).\u00a0 She realized that hanging on to her anger was hurting only her.\u00a0 X was blissfully unaware of the concern, and when approached about the broken promise X apologized and confessed to not realizing how important the project was.<\/p>\n<p>So in the end, much of her original story was fiction, and the emotional stew was self-cooked.<br \/> <strong><br \/> Creating Your Own Good from Bad<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Does the above ever happen to you?\u00a0 (of course it does.\u00a0 You\u2019re human!).\u00a0 So when you find yourself sitting in assessment and stewing in your own emotional juices, turn down the heat!\u00a0 Step out of the situation for a moment and consider OTHER possible stories and interpretations for the event.\u00a0 Maybe select a different story that allows you more control of the situation, and lets go of blaming the other person for your own emotional reaction.<\/p>\n<p>And then take a deep breath.\u00a0 Remember, it\u2019s only your thinking that makes it good or bad.\u00a0 So change your thinking when you need to, and have a happier day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;&#8230;there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.&#8221; Hamlet, Act II Scene 2 This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites\u2026 and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy. Events are just events.\u00a0 Stuff happens.\u00a0 That\u2019s it. THEN\u2026we create a story to explain that event.\u00a0 &#8230; <a title=\"Nothing is Good or Bad\" class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\" aria-label=\"Read more about Nothing is Good or Bad\">Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5789,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,58,11,40,50],"tags":[231,191,232,29],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Nothing is Good or Bad - The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Nothing is Good or Bad - The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"&#8220;&#8230;there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.&#8221; Hamlet, Act II Scene 2 This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites\u2026 and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy. Events are just events.\u00a0 Stuff happens.\u00a0 That\u2019s it. THEN\u2026we create a story to explain that event.\u00a0 ... Read more\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/facebook.com\/theexecutivehappinesscoach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2009-04-06T11:51:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-10-02T17:36:55+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/files\/2018\/05\/tehc-banner-logo-800w.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"212\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Jim Smith\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@JimSmithOnline\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@JimSmithOnline\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Jim Smith\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Jim Smith\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/#\/schema\/person\/5e03b070ca3a1220ca3f43ce292f66e9\"},\"headline\":\"Nothing is Good or Bad\",\"datePublished\":\"2009-04-06T11:51:50+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-10-02T17:36:55+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\"},\"wordCount\":730,\"commentCount\":1,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/#organization\"},\"keywords\":[\"assessment\",\"Coaching\",\"Emotional Stew\",\"Emotions\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Executive Coaching\",\"In the workplace\",\"Leadership\",\"Practicing Happiness\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2009\/04\/nothing-is-good-or-bad\/\",\"name\":\"Nothing is Good or Bad - 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