{"id":2479,"date":"2013-02-16T16:32:34","date_gmt":"2013-02-16T21:32:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dev.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/?page_id=446"},"modified":"2018-10-02T13:36:44","modified_gmt":"2018-10-02T17:36:44","slug":"change-your-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2013\/02\/change-your-life\/","title":{"rendered":"Create New \u201cStories\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"
Think about the person you are today.<\/strong>\u00a0Where did you come from?<\/p>\n Physically, of course, you\u2019re a genetic mix of your birth parents\u2019 traits; personality-wise, you\u2019re a product of both those geneticsand<\/em>\u00a0the environment in which you were raised.<\/p>\n Fortunately, we humans are skilled at rapidly assimilating everything that happens around us.\u00a0Un<\/em>fortunately, we humans are skilled at absorbing\u00a0everything<\/em>\u00a0that happens around us \u2013 whether it benefits us or harms us, we absorb and conform to the attitudes and conversations in which we are immersed.<\/p>\n Every family, community, ethnicity, and nation has different sorts of conversations.<\/strong>\u00a0Over time, we can begin to identify what we call the Historical Discourse, or the historical pattern of stories that give us identity.<\/p>\n Each family and society has a different discourse,<\/strong>\u00a0and there\u2019s no right or wrong or good or bad to them. Yet these are important, for our historical discourse affects how we hear things, how we approach issues, the questions we ask, and even how we relate to others.<\/p>\n In my family there were many messages.<\/strong>\u00a0From my German dad, a child of the Great Depression, I was imprinted with the importance of ceaseless hard work and thrift. From my Irish mom, I learned that St Patrick\u2019s Day is a major holiday and that Responsible People volunteer their time in the community. I learned that boys go to college and girls learn to sew and cook (Hey, I\u2019m not sayin\u2019 I bought it all! I\u2019m just sayin\u2019 what I learned thru absorption in my family). I also learned that money is scarce, rich people are selfish, procrastination is an art form to be perfected, and that Real Men don\u2019t express their feelings.<\/p>\n Some of these messages I saw for the propaganda they were,<\/strong>\u00a0and I consciously rejected them, e.g. I learned to cook, and I raised children who believe in gender equality. Some discourses remain strong in me today \u2013 procrastination, for exampleL. And some of those discourses nearly killed me, literally, before I realized that I had other choices. The inability to express my feelings meant I kept them shut inside me till years of killer migraines forced me into considering that maybe \u2013 just maybe \u2013 there was a different way to live.<\/p>\n Consider what messages were planted in your absorbent mind as you grew up, concerning:<\/strong><\/p>\n The question is not whether the stories are right or wrong, but whether they are working for you today.<\/strong>\u00a0Let me share examples.<\/p>\n #1 \u2013 Managers Are Jerks.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0Chris constantly struggled with the coaching aspect of being a leader, and finally admitted that what stopped him was fear of being perceived as a \u2018jerk.\u2019 \u201cWhere did you learn that holding people accountable for their work made you a jerk?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n Chris was raised in a blue-collar union family, and the conversation during dinner and at all family functions was about the \u2018idiots in management.\u2019 Even though Chris had gone to college and his family was thrilled that he\u2019d \u2018made it\u2019 into leadership ranks, he still owned that old story from decades of dinner table conversations.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n #2 \u2013 I\u2019m Not Good Enough.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0Pat was accomplished, independent, in a great marriage, and in a well-paying job where she felt valued. Still, happiness eluded her. We began with a lot of work around self-talk and mind-body shift, and Pat was diligent in all her practices \u2013 mental, emotional, and physical.<\/p>\n Still, she struggled with self-acceptance. \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019m not good enough,\u201d she confessed, \u201cand I worry that people will discover I\u2019m a fraud.\u201d So I asked, \u201cWhose story is that? Where did you learn that?\u201d Probably from her father, from whom a constant insult was, \u201cyou\u2019re just a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Neither Chris nor Pat truly believed the old conversations.<\/strong>But when a story is played over and again, it eventually wears deep grooves in the brain \u2013 and plays automatically in our head even when we don\u2019t want it to.<\/p>\n This happens all the time \u2013 someone else\u2019s story becomes our own story.<\/strong>\u00a0Again, there\u2019s no good or bad \u2013 it\u2019s just\u00a0present.<\/em>You cannot be cut from your history; but you\u00a0can<\/em>\u00a0with awareness, choose a different path if the old one does not serve you.<\/p>\n Chris, once he was aware of that old discourse, quickly created a new story about leaders<\/strong>\u00a0that focuses him on creating a positive environment and helping people solve problems, being a partner versus an obstacle.<\/p>\n Pat, on the other hand, took a long time to find a new story that did not feel too \u2018alien\u2019 to her.<\/strong>\u00a0She reports that her first reaction to stressful situations is still, \u201cI\u2019m not good enough,\u201d but she\u2019s learning to quickly follow that up with, \u201cI am, however, FABULOUS!\u201d as she consciously shifts to a grounded, confident body.<\/p>\n What are the historical discourses you hold from your family or community?<\/strong>\u00a0Some of them make you proud, I\u2019m sure, and some of them may leave you stressed and frustrated. Here\u2019s the thing: you have the power to choose which of them you continue to honor and which you change.<\/p>\n Remember me, the guy who could not express emotion?<\/strong>\u00a0And who, today, makes his living in the study and practice of emotional shift? Yep, it\u2019s possible to choose!<\/p>\n Let\u2019s tie this back to my favorite subject: Happiness.<\/strong>\u00a0What have you been \u2018taught\u2019 about happiness in your life? That it\u2019s for other people? That it takes money and stuff? That you have to wait for it, till you\u2019re older\/wiser\/healthier\/married\/divorced\/etc? That you can never have it because\u2026? Or you don\u2019t deserve it because\u2026?<\/p>\n Instead of talking about \u2018how it\u2019s always been, \u2019 or playing old recordings in your head all the time, why not create a new story of the way you want it to be?<\/strong>\u00a0The tagline for my business (which, by the way, has also been my personal motto for 20+ years) is that \u201cHappiness is a Decision, Not an Event!\u201d Happiness is a mode of travel, not a finite destination. You can choose to view life thru a positive rather than a dirty lens, pay more attention to the good than the bad, and spend more time in Gratitude than Fear and Anger.<\/p>\n You CAN create your OWN discourse.<\/strong><\/p>\n ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/p>\n Jim Smith, PCC, is The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae.<\/strong>\u00a0He is an international speaker, executive and life coach, and author. He provides his clients with inspiration and practical tools to live a happier life and build more positive work cultures. He is the author of\u00a0Happiness At The Speed of Life: 13 Powerful Strategies for Finding Happiness at Home and On The Job,\u00a0and has touched the lives of over 10,000 people worldwide through his work on Positive Emotion and Leadership. You can connect with Jim at\u00a0theexecutivehappinesscoach.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Think about the person you are today.\u00a0Where did you come from? Physically, of course, you\u2019re a genetic mix of your birth parents\u2019 traits; personality-wise, you\u2019re a product of both those geneticsand\u00a0the environment in which you were raised. Fortunately, we humans are skilled at rapidly assimilating everything that happens around us.\u00a0Unfortunately, we humans are skilled at … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5789,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,21],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nHistorical Discourse<\/h2>\n
What Were the Messages You Learned?<\/h2>\n
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Some Client Stories<\/h2>\n
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Create a New Story<\/h2>\n
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The Happiness Discourse<\/h2>\n