So, I\u2019m sitting in a Starbucks working on my computer, surrounded by conversations. I am not a snoop by nature, but when surrounded by Loud Talkers, I can\u2019t help but hear.<\/p>\n
On my right sit two women coming from a class they take together once a week. \u201cThis is the only time we get to see each other!\u201d they explain to a mutual friend who greets them. They plow on with their unsmiling conversation.<\/p>\n
Excerpts: \u201cmy daughter hates everything I cook. She comes over for dinner every Sunday and no matter what I make, she picks at it. She should be more grateful.\u201d \u201cVegetables don\u2019t even keep a week. They should last a lot longer than that.\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s nothing but crap in
<that store>. They should carry more stuff like <other retail store>.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
The entire conversation goes like this: \u201cThey should\u2026 they should…\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0After about 20 minutes trying to ignore them, I finally have to pack up and leave. The spirit of pessimism and suffering they carry has infected me and I can no longer think. Ick.<\/p>\n ~~~~~<\/p>\n \u201cHello!\u201d I wanted to say; \u201cYour daughter comes over to visit EVERY week. You have access to more fresh food than most in the world. You have choices about where you shop.!?\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m not going to tell people how to live their life, but excuse me while I offer a suggestion:<\/strong>\u00a0Suffering is a choice<\/strong>.<\/p>\n A few years ago we buried a dear aunt after she lost her two-year battle with brain cancer. She was not diagnosed until she was in Stage IV, and from the beginning the prognosis was grim.\u00a0Her reaction from day 1: \u201cwhatever it is, we\u2019ll put it in God\u2019s hands and what happens, happens.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0She endured highly aggressive and experimental treatment, knowing from the start it would not cure her yet hopeful that what doctors learned from her would help future patients. Though she lost her hair for awhile, and eventually the ability to speak or walk, she was present at every family event and holiday, living life full out within the limitations available to her.<\/p>\n Was she in pain? Undoubtedly. Was she sad or angry at times? Surely. But I do not believe she ever suffered. She never said, \u201cthis shouldn\u2019t be happening to me, or I should be getting better.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Should. One word can make all the difference. The language we use can create suffering or acceptance.<\/p>\n I recently re-read a very powerful book written by a woman who had \u201csuffered\u201d for much of her life and who woke up one morning to realize that she had been the architect of her own hell on earth.<\/strong>\u00a0She began to shift the stories she told herself and others, and eventually discovered that she could live a full and happy life EVEN IF NOTHING CHANGED EXCEPT HER LANGUAGE.\u00a0<\/p>\n This excerpt from her book lays out her core belief (the emphasis is mine):<\/p>\n The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, \u201cMeow.\u201d Wanting reality to be different than it is is hopeless. You can spend the rest of your life trying to teach a cat to bark.<\/em><\/p>\n And yet, if you pay attention, you\u2019ll notice that you think thoughts like this dozens of times a day.<\/em><\/strong>\u201cPeople should be kinder.\u201d \u201cChildren should be well-behaved.\u201d \u201cMy neighbors should take better care of their lawn.\u201d \u201cThe line at the grocery store should move faster.\u201d \u201cMy husband (or wife) should agree with me.\u201d \u201cI should be thinner (or prettier or more successful).\u201d These thoughts are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. If you think that this sounds depressing, you\u2019re right. All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is.<\/em><\/p>\n A thought is harmless unless we believe it.\u00a0It\u2019s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.<\/strong>\u00a0Attaching to a thought means believing that it\u2019s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we\u2019ve been attaching to, often for years.<\/em><\/p>\n I have never experienced a stressful feeling that wasn\u2019t caused by attaching to an untrue thought.<\/em><\/strong>We have a thought that argues with reality, then we have a stressful feeling, and then we act on that feeling, creating more stress for ourselves.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n From\u00a0Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life<\/a><\/em>, by Byron Katie**<\/a><\/p>\n Think about the language you use and the stories you privilege. Consider how those stories affect the way you react to what happens in the world.\u00a0How often is your stress connected to a statement of \u2018should\u2019 or \u2018shouldn\u2019t\u2019?<\/strong><\/p>\n Should<\/a>\u00a0is a very complex, many-nuanced word that is used to express expectation, probability, or obligation\/duty. You can view a detailed discussion of the word at\u00a0Dictionary.com<\/a>.\u00a0Here\u2019s my own interpretation of it: Should is my fantasy \u2013 what I want to have happen, what I believe ought to be happening right now.\u00a0<\/strong>Often, what I think Should happen, does happen. But sometimes when I lay my Fantasy on top of Reality and they don\u2019t match, I get caught in the tension between the two, often leading into a down spiral.<\/p>\n \u201cMy boss always wants everything NOW. She should be more patient. I need time to figure things out. I\u2019m so stressed, always looking over my shoulder for the next criticism. I hate this job\u2026.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI am eating a chocolate chip muffin. Oh, I shouldn\u2019t be eating this, it\u2019s bad for me. I weigh too much; I should be working out more. Crap, I can\u2019t do anything right, I can\u2019t even say No to a stupid chocolate chip muffin.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n One way to get out of this down spiral is to notice the language you are using.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s not your boss or the muffin that causes your suffering \u2013 it\u2019s the story you\u2019re attaching that creates your stress.<\/p>\n Byron Katie created a process she calls\u00a0The Work<\/strong>\u00a0to help people examine and let go of their \u201cshoulds.\u201d\u00a0The Work consists of four questions and a Turnaround.<\/strong><\/p>\n You start by creating a list of the \u201cshould\u201d statements you carry with you \u2013 about others, about yourself.<\/strong>\u00a0Then you work through the process to examine your thinking:<\/p>\n Q1:<\/strong> Is it True?<\/strong> Q2:<\/strong> Can you absolutely know that it is True?<\/strong> Q3:<\/strong> How do you react when you have that thought?<\/strong> Q4:<\/strong> Who would you be without that thought?<\/strong> Turn it around<\/strong> Let\u2019s apply The Work to the first situation above:\u00a0My boss should be more patient.<\/em><\/p>\n The next step, of course, would be to create a new statement about the situation that is more reality-based. Even if nothing changes, you can eliminate the suffering.<\/strong>\u00a0For example, you might now say, \u201cI will be patient with my boss\u2019 impatience; I am willing to live with it.\u201d Or even, \u201cI look forward to my boss\u2019 impatience, because it keeps me on schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n This is a\u00a0very simplistic<\/em>\u00a0example<\/strong>, but I hope it gives you an idea of how you might reduce your suffering by changing the language you use.<\/p>\n <\/a>**If you\u2019re interested in more on The Work, go to\u00a0YouTube.com and search for Byron Katie<\/a>\u00a0\u2013 she\u2019s created a huge video library in which she works with different forms of suffering, from people living in war zones to the mundane issues of everyday life.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/p>\n Jim Smith, PCC, is The Executive Happiness Coach\u00ae.<\/strong>\u00a0He is an international speaker, executive and life coach, and author. He provides his clients with inspiration and practical tools to live a happier life and build more positive work cultures. He is the author of\u00a0Happiness At The Speed of Life: 13 Powerful Strategies for Finding Happiness at Home and On The Job,\u00a0and has touched the lives of over 10,000 people worldwide through his work on Positive Emotion and Leadership. You can connect with Jim at\u00a0theexecutivehappinesscoach.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Suffering is a Choice<\/h2>\n
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What Language Do You Use?<\/h2>\n
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(what\u2019s the reality of it? does your thought argue with reality?)<\/p>\n
(do you\u00a0know<\/em>\u00a0their motives? are they really\u00a0causing<\/em>\u00a0your feelings? where\u2019s your\u00a0proof?<\/em>)<\/p>\n
(uncover cause and effect \u2013 saying out loud your \u2018suffering.\u2019 Can you find a stress-free reason to keep the thought?)<\/p>\n
(examine alternate perspectives)<\/p>\n
(turn the statement around to see if it is truer when it applies to you. As long as the cause of your suffering is \u201cout there\u201d you have no hope. Bring it home to self, and you may have the power to let go.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n