{"id":5866,"date":"2020-10-21T15:36:42","date_gmt":"2020-10-21T19:36:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/?p=5866"},"modified":"2020-10-21T15:36:42","modified_gmt":"2020-10-21T19:36:42","slug":"do-i-belong-here-reflections-on-whiteness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2020\/10\/do-i-belong-here-reflections-on-whiteness\/","title":{"rendered":"DO I BELONG HERE? REFLECTIONS ON MY WHITENESS"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Lily<\/a><\/p>\n

DISCLAIMER:<\/strong>\u00a0This post moves into territory I have never before addressed publicly. I recognize that for some this topic may push into what they experience as polarizing space. I offer this essay as MY reflection on MY experience in the world right now, and I make no judgment whatsoever about you and your position in the world. I invite you only to notice yourself as you read. Thank you for holding the space for my processing.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you want to comment on what you read here, e.g. what you noticed about your own reaction to my writing, how lovely (there\u2019s a link at the end). If you want to push back from a perspective of telling me I\u2019m wrong or telling me how angry I made you, please don\u2019t. Because I am not trying to be RIGHT \u2013 I’m trying to be authentic and human and acknowledge that accessing HAPPINESS in the world is a far more complicated process than I\u2019ve realized in the past. AND I am trying to engage in a global conversation that I believe is going to make a difference in the quality of life that my children and grandchildren live. It\u2019s important to me to invite others into this conversation, but I know not everyone wants to have it.\u00a0And that\u2019s OK.<\/span><\/p>\n

Please know (and I offer this with all the love and respect I can muster) I am not responsible for your happiness or your joy in the world. I offer tools for you to reflect upon and practice. Period. If this post takes that reflection in a direction that triggers something in you, please notice that. But don\u2019t expect me to take care of that for you. This is an adult conversation, and you\u2019re an adult. I honor that in you.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/h3>\n

Happiness is not an even playing field<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

The work of Sonja Lyubormirsky\u00a0(The How of Happiness, 2007<\/a>)\u00a0introduced us to the three factors that affect happiness:\u00a0genetic predisposition or \u201cset point\u201d (50%), life circumstances (10%), and intentional activity (40%).<\/strong>\u00a0My work in the space of positive emotions has always been focused on that whopping big 40% that we can control with purpose and through practice.<\/p>\n

I begin every workshop, webinar, coaching engagement, or even article from the perspective that, given your genetics are different, we are likely having the Happiness conversation from the same place.<\/p>\n

Lately, I\u2019ve come to realize that is not (always) true.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Happiness exists in the world, not separate from it<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Since the captured-on-video killing\u00a0of\u00a0<\/strong>George Floyd<\/strong><\/a>,\u00a0a black American citizen, the social justice stewpot has been at a high boil.<\/strong>\u00a0For those who focus only on the United States, you may think this is a problem unique to us, but events in the US have apparently touched a global nerve of injustice. We are, for example, witnessing pushback against horrific tribal brutality in Nigeria, revisiting of injustices against the First Nations of Canada and the aboriginal people of Oceania, and simmering frustration over inequities and institutionalized prejudices against people of color in many European nations, which are spotted with communities built by migrants from Africa & Asia during their respective colonial eras.<\/p>\n

New to the social justice conversation has been the prominent repositioning of white superiority, or \u201cwhiteness\u201d as a necessary part of the discussion, and the redefinition of \u201cracism\u201d as an institutional term, not a personal indictment.<\/strong>\u00a0(sorry if I\u2019m getting too dense here, but this is still new to me and I\u2019m clumsy in my languaging of it).<\/p>\n

Part of my personal reaction to the social justice conversation as it unfolded was probably similar to many people like me\u2026\u00a0What!? I\u2019m not racist! I have black friends! I adopted children of color! I used to do diversity training in the workplace! I\u2019m a good person!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

All these declarations let me feel good about myself and gave me permission to\u2026 well, to not have to DO anything. They allowed me to feel comfortable in my world.<\/p>\n

But I kept hearing the term \u201cwhite privilege\u201c and I bristled at it. My righteous indignation said, \u201cHow dare you? You don\u2019t know me!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Then I came across the work of Robin DiAngelo, a white woman (yes, I realize the irony) who has done deep work into the concept of white privilege\u00a0(White Fragility, 2018<\/a>) and I realized I did not understand what it meant.<\/p>\n

I got curious, and instead of trying to defend myself against that label, \u201cracist,\u201d or deny that I enjoy \u201cwhite privilege,\u201d I began to ask, \u201cWhat do I need to understand here?\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and \u201cWhat does this have to do with Happiness in the world?\u201d and \u201cWhy do I feel called to be in this conversation?\u201d<\/p>\n

What\u2019s emerging for me is that life circumstances — that 10% in Lyubormirsky\u2019s model — really do matter.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wait. What?! White?<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Let me back up a second.<\/strong>\u00a0In the middle of all this I was nominated for a position to the Board of Directors of a global coaching organization, and subsequently elected. The organization, like many others in this time, has recently taken a stand on social justice, or DEIB (Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging).\u00a0As a board member I was invited to participate in a White Affinity Group** (WAG). Perfect timing for me in my search for understanding.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(<\/em>Affinity groups have been around for decades, especially in the corporate space.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0They go by various names. Examples: The Women\u2019s Network, or The African American Network, or the Indian Affinity Group, or the Black Special Interest Group. They\u2019ve always been about women or POCs \u2013 people of color \u2013 having a safe space to network with peers and discuss their challenges. Uhm, challenges with what\/whom? We\u2019ve never said, but it\u2019s basically with white people and or white men. There, I said it.<\/em><\/p>\n

I used to help form these groups when I was a Diversity Trainer and HR Leader<\/em><\/strong>! But did it ever occur to me to have white folks form an affinity group at work? Not. Ever. Why? Because when you\u2019re the majority, you don\u2019t have to figure out how to succeed in the world \u2013 you\u2019re setting the norms that all the \u201cothers\u201d have to navigate.)<\/em><\/p>\n

So, I\u2019ve been in this white discussion-group\/book club having some really uncomfortable conversations with other white people about our whiteness<\/strong>\u00a0(sounds really boring, but it\u2019s tremendously challenging!) and I finally understand what it is I\u2019ve been denying about myself for a long time. I do have privilege.<\/p>\n

What IS White Privilege???<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Primed by my reading and the discussions, I showed up one day in a conversation with an executive client, who happens to be a woman of color, and her challenge that day was \u201cbeing seen\u201d by a certain member of her Board of Directors.\u00a0<\/strong>Witnessing her struggle, I was for a moment powerfully connected to the truth of my privilege and the way I am able to show up in the world with near zero friction in a way that\u2019s not available to her.<\/p>\n

What follows is the journal entry I wrote that day:<\/strong><\/p>\n

<START OF JOURNAL ENTRY><\/p>\n

Labels matter:<\/strong>\u00a0I am a tall, fit, middle-class, cisgender, university-educated, English-speaking, articulate, heterosexual, Catholic, married, conventionally-named, white male, without visible disability, who is a parent, and who works in a mainstream occupational niche.<\/p>\n

How many times in my life have I had to walk into any room and think:<\/p>\n

\u201cHow will the people in this room judge me based on:<\/strong><\/p>\n