{"id":5866,"date":"2020-10-21T15:36:42","date_gmt":"2020-10-21T19:36:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/?p=5866"},"modified":"2020-10-21T15:36:42","modified_gmt":"2020-10-21T19:36:42","slug":"do-i-belong-here-reflections-on-whiteness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theexecutivehappinesscoach.com\/2020\/10\/do-i-belong-here-reflections-on-whiteness\/","title":{"rendered":"DO I BELONG HERE? REFLECTIONS ON MY WHITENESS"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/a><\/p>\n DISCLAIMER:<\/strong>\u00a0This post moves into territory I have never before addressed publicly. I recognize that for some this topic may push into what they experience as polarizing space. I offer this essay as MY reflection on MY experience in the world right now, and I make no judgment whatsoever about you and your position in the world. I invite you only to notice yourself as you read. Thank you for holding the space for my processing.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want to comment on what you read here, e.g. what you noticed about your own reaction to my writing, how lovely (there\u2019s a link at the end). If you want to push back from a perspective of telling me I\u2019m wrong or telling me how angry I made you, please don\u2019t. Because I am not trying to be RIGHT \u2013 I’m trying to be authentic and human and acknowledge that accessing HAPPINESS in the world is a far more complicated process than I\u2019ve realized in the past. AND I am trying to engage in a global conversation that I believe is going to make a difference in the quality of life that my children and grandchildren live. It\u2019s important to me to invite others into this conversation, but I know not everyone wants to have it.\u00a0And that\u2019s OK.<\/span><\/p>\n Please know (and I offer this with all the love and respect I can muster) I am not responsible for your happiness or your joy in the world. I offer tools for you to reflect upon and practice. Period. If this post takes that reflection in a direction that triggers something in you, please notice that. But don\u2019t expect me to take care of that for you. This is an adult conversation, and you\u2019re an adult. I honor that in you.<\/span><\/p>\n Thank you<\/span><\/p>\n <\/a><\/span><\/p>\n The work of Sonja Lyubormirsky\u00a0(The How of Happiness, 2007<\/a>)\u00a0introduced us to the three factors that affect happiness:\u00a0genetic predisposition or \u201cset point\u201d (50%), life circumstances (10%), and intentional activity (40%).<\/strong>\u00a0My work in the space of positive emotions has always been focused on that whopping big 40% that we can control with purpose and through practice.<\/p>\n I begin every workshop, webinar, coaching engagement, or even article from the perspective that, given your genetics are different, we are likely having the Happiness conversation from the same place.<\/p>\n Lately, I\u2019ve come to realize that is not (always) true.<\/strong><\/p>\n Since the captured-on-video killing\u00a0of\u00a0<\/strong>George Floyd<\/strong><\/a>,\u00a0a black American citizen, the social justice stewpot has been at a high boil.<\/strong>\u00a0For those who focus only on the United States, you may think this is a problem unique to us, but events in the US have apparently touched a global nerve of injustice. We are, for example, witnessing pushback against horrific tribal brutality in Nigeria, revisiting of injustices against the First Nations of Canada and the aboriginal people of Oceania, and simmering frustration over inequities and institutionalized prejudices against people of color in many European nations, which are spotted with communities built by migrants from Africa & Asia during their respective colonial eras.<\/p>\n New to the social justice conversation has been the prominent repositioning of white superiority, or \u201cwhiteness\u201d as a necessary part of the discussion, and the redefinition of \u201cracism\u201d as an institutional term, not a personal indictment.<\/strong>\u00a0(sorry if I\u2019m getting too dense here, but this is still new to me and I\u2019m clumsy in my languaging of it).<\/p>\n Part of my personal reaction to the social justice conversation as it unfolded was probably similar to many people like me\u2026\u00a0What!? I\u2019m not racist! I have black friends! I adopted children of color! I used to do diversity training in the workplace! I\u2019m a good person!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n All these declarations let me feel good about myself and gave me permission to\u2026 well, to not have to DO anything. They allowed me to feel comfortable in my world.<\/p>\n But I kept hearing the term \u201cwhite privilege\u201c and I bristled at it. My righteous indignation said, \u201cHow dare you? You don\u2019t know me!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Then I came across the work of Robin DiAngelo, a white woman (yes, I realize the irony) who has done deep work into the concept of white privilege\u00a0(White Fragility, 2018<\/a>) and I realized I did not understand what it meant.<\/p>\n I got curious, and instead of trying to defend myself against that label, \u201cracist,\u201d or deny that I enjoy \u201cwhite privilege,\u201d I began to ask, \u201cWhat do I need to understand here?\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and \u201cWhat does this have to do with Happiness in the world?\u201d and \u201cWhy do I feel called to be in this conversation?\u201d<\/p>\n What\u2019s emerging for me is that life circumstances — that 10% in Lyubormirsky\u2019s model — really do matter.<\/strong><\/p>\n Let me back up a second.<\/strong>\u00a0In the middle of all this I was nominated for a position to the Board of Directors of a global coaching organization, and subsequently elected. The organization, like many others in this time, has recently taken a stand on social justice, or DEIB (Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging).\u00a0As a board member I was invited to participate in a White Affinity Group** (WAG). Perfect timing for me in my search for understanding.<\/strong><\/p>\n (<\/em>Affinity groups have been around for decades, especially in the corporate space.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0They go by various names. Examples: The Women\u2019s Network, or The African American Network, or the Indian Affinity Group, or the Black Special Interest Group. They\u2019ve always been about women or POCs \u2013 people of color \u2013 having a safe space to network with peers and discuss their challenges. Uhm, challenges with what\/whom? We\u2019ve never said, but it\u2019s basically with white people and or white men. There, I said it.<\/em><\/p>\n I used to help form these groups when I was a Diversity Trainer and HR Leader<\/em><\/strong>! But did it ever occur to me to have white folks form an affinity group at work? Not. Ever. Why? Because when you\u2019re the majority, you don\u2019t have to figure out how to succeed in the world \u2013 you\u2019re setting the norms that all the \u201cothers\u201d have to navigate.)<\/em><\/p>\n So, I\u2019ve been in this white discussion-group\/book club having some really uncomfortable conversations with other white people about our whiteness<\/strong>\u00a0(sounds really boring, but it\u2019s tremendously challenging!) and I finally understand what it is I\u2019ve been denying about myself for a long time. I do have privilege.<\/p>\n Primed by my reading and the discussions, I showed up one day in a conversation with an executive client, who happens to be a woman of color, and her challenge that day was \u201cbeing seen\u201d by a certain member of her Board of Directors.\u00a0<\/strong>Witnessing her struggle, I was for a moment powerfully connected to the truth of my privilege and the way I am able to show up in the world with near zero friction in a way that\u2019s not available to her.<\/p>\n What follows is the journal entry I wrote that day:<\/strong><\/p>\n <START OF JOURNAL ENTRY><\/p>\n Labels matter:<\/strong>\u00a0I am a tall, fit, middle-class, cisgender, university-educated, English-speaking, articulate, heterosexual, Catholic, married, conventionally-named, white male, without visible disability, who is a parent, and who works in a mainstream occupational niche.<\/p>\n How many times in my life have I had to walk into any room and think:<\/p>\n \u201cHow will the people in this room judge me based on:<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019ll tell you how often. Never.<\/strong><\/p>\n How much friction must I deal with to live my life? From that list, it\u2019s none. Zero.<\/strong><\/p>\n Have I faced obstacles in my life?<\/strong>\u00a0Absolutely!<\/p>\n Have I ever been bullied?<\/strong>\u00a0Yep!<\/p>\n Have I experienced loss and grief and failure in my life?<\/strong>\u00a0Regularly.<\/p>\n Have I had to dance with unfairness and cruelty?<\/strong>\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the thing.<\/p>\n I have NEVER faced a challenge or an obstacle or a bully or a loss or a failure or an incident of unfairness\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2026 where I ALSO had to deal with someone else questioning my competence or my right to be in the room or even my right to exist because of any dimension of who I am.<\/strong><\/p>\n Never.<\/p>\n That\u2019s been my privilege. My white, male privilege.<\/strong><\/p>\n Never having to even consider it.<\/strong>\u00a0Being free to live my life unencumbered by anyone else\u2019s assessment that I am not legitimate or that I am\u00a0less than<\/em>\u00a0in any way.<\/p>\n A woman would be judged<\/strong>\u00a0on many of the attributes that I listed above that I never have to consider. Where I am applauded for being direct or confident, a woman is told she is aggressive or bitchy.<\/p>\n A person of color would be judged<\/strong>\u00a0in ways unfamiliar to me. I have never been asked to get someone\u2019s coffee (or worse) because of an assumption that I was an admin assistant. I have never been told that my natural hair is \u201cunprofessional.\u201d<\/p>\n Despite the fact that I am tall,\u00a0I have never had the experience of people crossing the street to avoid me because I looked dangerous.<\/strong><\/p>\n[Aside: I recognize that I am feeling extremely clumsy in this conversation, that my thoughts are still incomplete and incoherent, and that I am still trying to figure this out.\u00a0But if I wait until I have it completely figured out, I will be dead. I am a Work In Progress, and I am holding a space for everyone else to be the same.<\/strong>]\n I just don\u2019t see it, my white privilege.<\/strong>\u00a0I\u2019ve never had to work that \u201cmuscle\u201d of understanding that I\u2019m being treated a certain way because of my race or my gender, so when conversation speaks to racism, I take it personally. My whiteness becomes about me,\u00a0not about my racial group.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s not about me. It\u2019s about the inconvenience<\/strong>\u00a0that everyone who is not like me has to work through just to live their life, and I cannot imagine how annoying it might be for some to watch a person like me succeed without any of that friction.<\/p>\n I am not taking anything away from me or other white guys who succeed, in that we work hard and have challenges. But there\u2019s this little level of friction that we just don\u2019t notice because we\u2019ve never had to carry it.<\/strong><\/p>\n Inconvenience.<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019m understanding that racism is not personal.\u00a0It\u2019s not about me, but about the systems and structures that support the Institutionalization of Inconvenience for any persons who don\u2019t look like those who built the systems.<\/strong><\/p>\n I think we can do more and better.<\/strong><\/p>\n We have not stood up. We have not addressed the inconvenience as a reality.<\/p>\n I recently heard a speaker exhort,\u00a0\u201cdon\u2019t say you\u2019re color blind, because that means you\u2019re blind!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019ve got to see color. If I don\u2019t see it, I can\u2019t explore it. And White is a color.\u00a0<\/strong>No matter who we\u00a0are, we\u00a0have bias. Implicit bias is part of the Human Operating System, a survival skill that goes back to our primitive days when anyone who was \u201cother\u201c was someone who would steal our food. It\u2019s part of who we are.<\/p>\n I am not perfect, and shoot me if I ever claim that am. I am Curious.<\/strong>\u00a0I am trying to show up in the world to ask \u201cwhat is happening here? What is\u00a0really\u00a0<\/em>happening, not what is going on through my old filters?\u201d<\/p>\n <END\u00a0OF JOURNAL ENTRY><\/p>\n One of my big Aha\u2019s is this: I\u2019ve come to realize that my definition of Happiness existed within the bubble of white privilege.<\/strong>\u00a0I can teach and coach about the tools to access joy and happiness and confidence all day long and have conversations with you about the Body and Emotion of Leadership.<\/p>\n But what if you feel you have to tamp down some part of yourself every day to fit in?<\/strong>\u00a0What if you assess you must be vigilant about who is in the room and how you interact with them? What if you always have a thin drip of adrenaline running through your system, pushing Happiness and Confidence a tiny bit farther away, so you always have to take one or two more steps to get there than I do?<\/p>\n It\u2019s a puzzlement to me. I don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to respond to this learning, yet I\u2019ve committed to the curious search.<\/strong><\/p>\n How can I be happy when the world around me is so unhappy?<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, I can choose to live in my bubble and experience moments of happiness, and I will continue to do that my entire life. AND I feel drawn to engage with the wider world around issues that don\u2019t necessarily affect me but are shaping the world that my children are inheriting and that for my grandchildren will look wildly different.<\/p>\n For their sake,\u00a0I want that to be that SOMEBODY who makes it a positive different.<\/strong><\/p>\n If you\u2019ve read this far, thank you for holding the space.<\/p>\n I am curious \u2013 what\u2019s happening for you?\u00a0<\/strong>I invite your reflections back to me<\/strong><\/a>.\u00a0<\/strong>I look forward to staying in the place of discomfort, for that is the only place we learn.<\/p>\n DISCLAIMER:\u00a0This post moves into territory I have never before addressed publicly. I recognize that for some this topic may push into what they experience as polarizing space. I offer this essay as MY reflection on MY experience in the world right now, and I make no judgment whatsoever about you and your position in the … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5796,"featured_media":5867,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,119,62],"tags":[290,51,29,120,244,304,31],"yoast_head":"\n<\/h3>\n
Happiness is not an even playing field<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
Happiness exists in the world, not separate from it<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
Wait. What?! White?<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
What IS White Privilege???<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
\n
Connecting to Happiness and Leadership<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
I am Somebody<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
What\u2019s next?<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
Remember: Leadership is not about a title. Anyone can be a leader who steps intentionally into an uncomfortable place for the sake of creating positive change.<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"