Nine Strategies to Avoid Happiness: How to Live as a Victim and Still Control the World!
1.     Take Everything and Everyone for Granted. After all, it’s their job to take care of you, right?  Practice rudeness, then sneer at the ones who can’t handle it.  On those rare occasions when someone meets your impossibly high expectations, be sure to point out something that wasn’t perfect, even if you have to make it up.
What to Avoid: Never say “Thank You” or express Appreciation for anything.  Gratitude totally kills the buzz of a bad mood.
2.    Cultivate Pessimism. The world is a dark and dangerous place; make it your mission to remind people of that.  No matter what anyone suggests, frown and say, “That will never work!”  Scan the global weather channel daily so when people say “good morning” to you, you can remind them of a recent earthquake, typhoon, fire, or flood.
Exercise: Practice slumping, frowning, and rolling your eyes to deepen your skill.
3.    Use Social Comparison as a Weapon. When you notice any positive self-talk happening, immediately think of someone who is smarter, prettier, or more skilled than you – that will tamp down Self-Confidence before it gets out of control.  When a coworker receives recognition for their work, ice that down quickly by pointing out, “I’ve seen better.”
Child-rearing Tip: when your child brings home an essay or artwork, put on a Sad face and say, “too bad you’re not talented like <insert name of a friend> is.”
4.    Never Give Anyone a Break. Make ‘No’ your favorite word.  Never give of yourself, and for heaven’s sake avoid volunteerism.  Performing Acts of Kindness releases serotonin in your brain, which makes you feel better – and that’s the last thing you want!
Bonus Tip: Being mean to someone in public carries causes most bystanders to feel a little Depressed or Angry all day.  Double your impact!
5.    Push Other People Away. Isn’t it annoying when your family and friends try to “take care of you?”  Stay strong!  Keep declining invitations until they stop coming; then complain about Abandonment.  If you must attend, sit in a corner and whine about something irrelevant.
Special note about pets: Avoid warm-blooded pets, which tend to form icky Emotional bonds.  If you must have a pet, get a lizard, fish, or something with a reptile brain – there’s no risk they will ever care about you!
6.    Reject Simplicity. CNN apparently thinks you can handle three to six simultaneous streaming data feeds, so stay connected to The Grid at all times.  Respond to every email or call immediately (your global clients will be impressed when you respond at 4AM your time).
Special note: When you slow down and allow yourself to enjoy just one thing in the present moment, you risk allowing Happiness and Joy to take root.  So keep it complex!
7.    Avoid Commitment. According to Barry Schwartz’s work on the Paradox of Choice, having more options does not make us happier; in fact, we get more stressed.  So keep your options wide open!  Shun goal-writing exercises, as those create undesirable consequences like greater focus and discovery of your life purpose.  Live randomly and put off decisions until you have 100% of all data (which of course will be…never).
Bonus: Lacking a strong foundation, you need never Respond rationally to anything; instead, you will strengthen your Anxiety muscles and get really good at living in React mode.
8.    Sit Down! Did you know that studies of clinically Depressed people prove consistent exercise raises Happiness levels as much as Zoloft?  This is why you must guard against Wellness (a thinly disguised conspiracy to control your life).  Skip all health seminars, and when they start distributing salads and pedometers in the company cafeteria, drive to lunch at McDonalds.  Look, if your Physical energy improves through better Self-Care, it will naturally pull up your Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual energies, and you can’t let that happen!
Caution: If you accept even a tiny responsibility for personal Well-Being, it’s a slippery slope.  Soon you’ll be expected to manage your own Happiness, too, and how unfair is that?!
9.    Nurture Resentment. Never let go of anything.  Remember, Forgiveness is for weaklings.  It takes a determined person (like you) to hold on to all those old slights – real and imagined — and still endure the new crap that’s getting dumped on you.
Take it a level deeper: Plan regular time to Obsess about someone who wronged you in the past.  Daily attention ensures your negative emotions remain at a constant simmer, burning away your immune system.  You’ll get sick more often, of course, which will give you lots of opportunity to Hate those people who did this to you!
Remember, Practice builds stronger muscles.  Exercise at least one of these nine daily, and soon you’ll find yourself snugly tucked away at the bottom of the Deep Dark Pit of Despair, finally safe from all those nasty “happy” people who, by the way, are totally out of touch with the way the world really works.
But you know the Truth, don’t you?  BWAHAHAHA!
The 13 Principles of Happiness offers the opposite of what you want.  DO NOT VISIT // to download them.  If you practice any of those 13 habits, you’ll never achieve your goal of UNhappiness.

Read more articles like this one in: Happiness Tips, Practicing Happiness

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